I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
