i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
