Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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