im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
