have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
