The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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