im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
