Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
