you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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