There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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