I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My cat gives me a boner
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She bit a glass in half.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
They took my balls.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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