Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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