I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
