i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
