Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
