if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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