im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
