they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
