Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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