Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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