I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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