my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize