im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Randomize
