News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
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