Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize