Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
