I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
