Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
