i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
lets start a swedish sibling band together
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
