I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
