just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
