Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize