I puked a lego.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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