What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
