just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
