addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize
