I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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