Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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