We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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