No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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