Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
