A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
