Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
