What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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