It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
