I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
