see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
