So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
