Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
