Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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