shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
