Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
