how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
