I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
