i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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