he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
