hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
