Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize