I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
