I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
