3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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